You’ll always be a fart to me.

Heyyyy! Just some updates. :] So it’s exactly 8 days before school starts! YAY! Hello, sophomore year! Deym, time flies by reallll fast. It’s gonna be all school work now beybbb! At least I have something to worry about and think about and yeah. I guess I like it better when there’s school. I got things to do and I don’t bore myself. I dunno but since college, I just want to go to school. Hahaha. Srsly! You know during HS when classes get suspended cos of some typhoons or other reasons, I get really happy cos there’s no school. But now? I feel otherwise. Haha. Weird. But I think that’s good. I love learning new things. Better yet, I love education. :]

Anyway, this one month summer has been treating me so-so. I felt different things. I felt melancholic, nostalgic, happy, and other kind of stuff. I, once again, learned new things. I guess that’s something inevitable in life. Of course. We’re here to learn, right? And those things we learn make us discover who we are. I’ve just realized a lot of things. Like, how things can change especially feelings, like 7 years ago you may not like someone but 7 years later you realize you feel something ‘different’ towards that someone; how you can terribly miss someone so bad(yeah, terrible na bad pa haha); how you can feel really stupid after getting mad angry about something and the next day you realize you were just totally carried away of what happened; how you get sad when you think that that someone was once yours but now is living another kind of life far from yours; and other things I can’t put into words. There are just some things that’s fairly impossible to happen now yet you still hope that those things will come back to the way it used to be. It sucks like that.

Also I have come to think that no matter what, no matter how many years have passed or how many things may have changed, I will always be that person’s number one. I will always be that first. I should be thankful that we’re still friends. And I’m glad that that person still keeps me updated about the things happening in his life. If you think this is some ‘ex’, no it’s not. I haven’t had any boyfriend since birth, it’s just some ‘past’ thingy. OY. HAHA. Boink, drama much? LOL. I don’t wanna elaborate more, that person MIGHT read this. Stupid, I gave him the URL of this blog. Who knows, haha, I just don’t want that person to know YET. If ever I plan on telling that person someday. Maybe. So yeah, I just never thought I’d feel like this, that’s why. LOL.

So enough of that. :p I went to school yesterday to get an adjustment form and a deferred payment plan. My course adjustment schedule is on the 16th, Friday! OMGZ. Cerisse and I doesn’t have the same schedule! I should’ve went to school last Friday! BAH. I’m gonna add one subject since I’m underload and I don’t want that. The only schedule I saw that will fit my already encoded sched is the Tuesday&Thursday sched for CATHWOR(Catholic Worship) subject which is. 2:40-4:10…. OMGZ. I just realized that it doesn’t fit at all! HAHAHAHA. I thought it was a one day schedule. DEYM. WHAT A BUMMER. I have a Tuesday class 2:45-5:45! I just checked my sched again, OMGZ. WTHWTHWTH. Cerisseeeee, what naaaa? Take FREHAND? Hahaha. SHOCKS. SHOCKERRRR. Mannnn. :]]]]]] Why didn’t I check my sched earlier? Stupid! ) Grr. Okay, wait, imma calm myself down. Haha.

So yeah. I didn’t know that yesterday was the FOP(Frosh Orientation Program)! Haha. I went and I didn’t know. I wanna be an orientor next year for incoming frosh. It’s fun really! Haha. Oh well. My mom and my brother went inside the SDA building, by the way. Haha. My brotha parked in the carpark, LOLZ. The guard asked him, “Estudyante po?” He said, “Graduate na.” HAHAHA! Too bad I wasn’t able to like tour them around since we’re going somewhere after. Maybe on Friday. They said they’ll just stay in the cafeteria. And oh yessss I got to wear slippers inside the SDA building! Hahaha. Slippers are banned inside our campus. If you get caught, uh-oh, hello Disciplinary Office! I got caught once in the main building. Bah. :]] Never wore slippers since then :]] After school, we went to my brother’s school since he’ll get a form to get his Transcript of Records and Diploma. He just graduated last March so I’m the only one left in the family studying. Yayyy. Then we ate at KFC then went to Ortigas to fetch my brother’s girlfriend from work.

AND we got home at around 10pm! WTH. It’s sooooo traffic! We were in the QC Circle at around 7pm? But we were almost there for like an hour! I just slept. Haha. It’s prolly because of the transport strike. People were walking in the streets, bunch of them! Walang masakyan. Yay. To think it’s raining, so hassle! I think it’s good that I haven’t been in front of the PC for one whole day. Natiis ko. Hahaha.

Anyway that’s it for now. I’m trying to figure out why I can’t view blogspot sites. Google keeps on telling that it’s “404 FORBIDDEN”. WTH? Some virus crap daw. Blah. Why do you think it’s like that? Grabe, napahaba nanaman post ko. Betta get going before this gets longer than this already long one, haha. :]

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you’ll be with me
and you’ll never go

–
You’ll always be a part of me
I’m part of you indefinitely

On a lot of things. :)

Some things here, I’ve already said on my previous post but this one’s from my Multiply blog I just posted today. Might as well post it here. BTW, I mentioned below that I want to change my layout, but I dunno. The blog part of the site has small width, which makes it hard for people to read. Whaddyathink?

ON BEING A BUM:
I need to stop being a bum in front of the pc all the time. I’m hating it already. Doing the same things all over again. Though I’m having fun with Photoshop, it’s not all I do. I turn to MySpace, Facebook and Friendster all the time. Especially Facebook and MySpace! BOO! It’s so damn addicting! And this blog, I get lazy updating it. I feel like I wanna change the layout again. I have one ready, already coded and all that, but I’m just too lazy.

ON GOING OUT:
Now I need to go out. I wanna go out with my gerlssss. Deym I need to talk to them! As in NEED. Lots of things I wanna tell them. o_o And I miss my high school friends. If one of you are reading thisssss! OMGZ! Let’s go out! I’m missing them badlyyyyy. Supasupasupafriends, haven’t hung out with y’all for quite some time now. Makes me sad.

ON DVDS:
I need to buy DVDs, the series of Gossip Girl and the O.C. Koreanovelas too! Like Hana Kimi, and other good stuff. You know other Koreanovelas that you can call ‘good stuff’ you can recommend me?

ON BOOKS:
I also need to buy the books I’ve been wanting to read for the whole past year. Like the last Harry Potter book. I’m a loser for not having one yet. The Twilight series! Migadddd, I’ve watched the trailer and it’s so effin’ awesome. 12/12, Twilighters! And this year’s also the release of the last book in the series. Other good books to recommend, people?

ON PROJECTS:
And I also need to finish the website I’ve been doing for the past weeks. BAH. I dunno, it’s just that whenever I think, I get headaches. LOL. I like thinking though.

ON THINGS:
AND.. I like preoccupying myself with thingssss to do.

ON TIME:
Man, time is running out. School’s almost near, atleast for me. Cos yknow how time flies by real fast? Yeah. Yeaa. Boohoo.

ON ACDC:
Lately, we[yeah, Cerisse included hahaha] have been obsessing with ACDC[Adam/Chu Dance Crew]. And their shirt’s on sale now!!! Mr. Chu made it available werrldwide! Butttt, it’s worth effin’ $21.70, shipping included! Whathebuckkk! I don’t have that kind of money. I even told my friend from Cali to buy me an ACDC shirt, his gift for my birthday! He said, “haha maybe”. I was kidding though. But I was kidding! I just hope he’s not reading this. LOL. Yeah right, like the ACDC shirts are selling like hotcakes. LOL. Last time I checked, there are only two pieces left. I just hope they print more! So by that time, I already have money to buy it cos I just spent my money on online shopping in Multiply! LOL. The ACDC shirts are for charity anyways! But Cerisse messaged Mr. Chu if we can print ACDC shirts here in the Phils., we made our own designs. But he didn’t reply, he just read it. Booooo. Maybe it’s bcos they made it available worldwide and he of course, assumed that the info already spread on us, so no need to reply. Soo even if we’ll have our own ACDC shirts printed… STILL! I want their ACDC sherrrt! FOREALLLZ! I wanna be part of the crew. Hahaha! That’s what Adam Sevani said on his bulletin on MySpace! “Be part of the crew.” That’s why I’m loving MySpace. You get to talk to them! Like Cerisse, he got to talk with Harry Shum, Jr.(Cable on Step Up 2)! HAHAHAHA! Anyways, nuff with the ACDC talk. My brother told me I’m obsessed wit dem already. And so as my friend from Cali. So I guess, I am obsessed with them! Haha.

ON YOUTUBE:
Does anyone of you know Nigahiga of YouTube? HAHAHA! His vids are sooo funny! The result of boredom I guess. But heck, he’s got like a million views for every video he have on his channel! He’s got like 271,450 subscribers! Include me on that. Haha. PLUS! He’s cute btw! :p Hahaha. Youtube crush, LOLZ! I’ve also subscribed on Jon M. Chu’s YTube channel and as well as the Miley&Mandy Show. And I’m wonderin’, what’s up with singing and ukeleles in the U.S.? I dunno, it’s like very popular. I love this one though, Windward Skies cover. Thanks to my friend for showing that to me. And I saw this very kawaii video too called Animal Idol. Yeah, an American Idol for animals. Lol. So maybe you figured out what I do whenever I’m online. I just don’t get how I can spend my whole day just doing all these. Sux000.

ON MUSIC:
I just realized my taste for music has uhmm, how do you put it, broaden? I dunno, I just like listening to country songs lately. Thanks to MySpaceeeee! I just realized how I love praise songs too. Hillsong United will be having a concert here on the 26th! A day just before my berrrrthdayyym. I would love to see them live. And oh, I love hearing old school songs lately! It lights me up, brings a smile to my face. Imma download Backstreet Boys songs. What other good old songs are there? Make me remember. And I had my seat reserved on Marie Digby’s online concert on the 19th, 6am, our time. That’s veryyy early so I have to like get up at around 5am. I bet there’ll be a massive site traffic. I just hope my PC won’t crash. I want to buy her album! As well as Taylor Swift’s album. I heard her songs on MS and I loved it. Anywaysss…

ON AGE:
I feel like I’m 17 already. HAHA. ) I still have 19 days left to enjoy my sweeeettt 16. Was it sweet? Ionnooo. LOL.

ON AMERICAN IDOL:
Top 4 finalists are the 2 Davids, Syesha and Jason Castro. After their performance? I bet Jason Castro will go. So top 3 are the 2 Davids and Syesha. My top 2? The 2 Davids. David Archuleta and David Cook. Whoever wins, it’s okay. They’re both good.

ON REALITY:
Reality slapped me once again on my face! LIKE IT ALWAYS DOES! ) After I read Anna’s S-S.org blog! Haha. Ooh, Imma post this on my blogspot too. I need to like, update that from my random blahs.

ON RENZ:
I’m sorry I wasn’t able to give to you your vectorrrr! Haha. Sorry talagaaaa! But you can wait more right? Hehe. Thanks Renzzyyy!

The weak week.

WARNING: Long post ahead. :p

Okay so it’s been almost one week since I updated my blog. WTH I can’t believe it’s already May 1! OHGOSH. May 21 pasok na namin!!! BAH. I should finish the things I need to do and want, as well. :p I need to go to school on days 14-17, whenever during that week for course adjustment. I don’t wanna be underload! Grr. I want to watch DVDs which I haven’t been able to buy yet and read books like Twilight. Yeaaa. I still have like 91 days to read all three books before the last book comes. Hahaha. I saw the movie behind the scenes and some fan-made trailers and it’s all awesome. I’m getting excited though I haven’t read the book yet. I mean, it’s a romantic vampire story, who wouldn’t want that? Everyone is like in love with Edward and Bella. Hahaha. Today’s my brother’s girlfriend birthday and yesterday we bought gifts for her. So I suggested my brother to give her a book. We were supposed to buy the new Nicholas Sparks book since she said she’ll buy it, might as well give her the book. But it wasn’t available in that National Bookstore branch. So we bought another book which is, Twilight. Wah, if I get my pay I’d surely splurge my money on books but still save something for erm, things I need in school later on.

Last week, I was having a hard time. It wasn’t my week last week, I was just really sad. No, actually I wasn’t. I was moody! Sobrang nakakainis kasi sobra yung mood swings. One minute I’m happy, then another I’m sad. I hated it. It got to the point where I cannot feel anything anymore. I cried because of that. I’d rather feel anything, even pain, than not feeling anything at all. I felt dead. But the next day which is Monday, I had this dream. Imma paste this from my Multiply.

I woke up earlier than what I expected, I thought it was already 11 am, but I looked at the clock and it was still quarter to 9am. So I turned on the PC, checked my myspace, friendster, facebook, multiply, mail and blog hopped. I DLed songs and..

My mom, someone else I don’t know who and I were talking and suddenly, I couldn’t speak. I tried so hard to speak but I couldn’t. Tapos na-realize ko may nakabara sa throat ko so tinanggal ko. That was really weird. When I did, I started to bleed. Nagsusuka na ako ng dugo. Then I didn’t know what to do. And my nose also started to bleed. I was helpless. I asked God for help, I prayed really hard. And I was thinking if I should go to the hospital already or what, but I thought it would end soon. But it didn’t. All I can see is red blood. I thought I was dying! I called my friends using my phone and we went to see each other. I texted Jesy, she told me to go to FEU-NRMF then find her there. I said, “it’s too late.”

Then I woke up.

It’s weird cos I rarely experience dreams in my sleep. When I woke up, I can still remember the feeling of not being able to speak. But I thank God that it was all just a dream. I was freaked out! I was really freaked out. It got me thinking through out the day even the meaning of it. I searched for a dream dictionary online since I don’t know where our old dream dictionary is.

Blood

To see blood in your dream, represents life, love, and passion as well as disappointments. If you see the word “blood” written in your dream, then it may refer to some situation in your life that is permanent and cannot be changed.

To dream that you are bleeding or losing blood, signifies that you are suffering from exhaustion or that you are feeling emotionally drained. It may also denote bitter confrontations between you and your friends. Your past actions has come back to haunt you.

Throat

It shows considerable powers of imagination and signifies a successful venture.

Nose

Instinctive knowledge. It reflects great powers of imagination and creativity, but also difficult relations with a partner.

Red

This is an indication of great passion and sensitivity in your emotional relationships.

Help

To dream that you are calling or signaling for help, suggests that you are feeling lost, overwhelmed, and/or inadequate.

Helpless

To dream that you are or feel helpless, suggests that you are experiencing difficulties in confronting a situation or relationship. You feel that you are unable to take charge of yourself.

Silence

To dream that you are silent, indicates an inability to express yourself. You may feel inhibited in voicing your opinion and how you really feel.

So that’s it. Maybe that’s what I’m feeling for the past week that I couldn’t exactly explain what. What my dream meant was actually true in my reality.

So yeah, but I’m better now compared last week. Way way better. Going out helped a lot.

Speaking of going out, mom, dad, my brother and his girlfriend went to a Jap restaurant along Panay Avenue to eat last Tuesday. There, we talked about the past, how we got here, why we went here, and everything back then.

So now I know the real reason why we moved here to Manila from Cotabato.

I was born in Cotabato City but I am in Manila for like 11 years already. Almost half my life so basically, I grew up in Manila. Quezon City, specifically. I was 6 when we moved here. Before, I thought the reason why we moved here is bcos of my brothers who then has a band. They had an album and their song became a hit. So the recording company, which is Polycosmic Records then but Universal Records now, said they should come to Manila already. So we did. And they did TV guestings and all that. I was with them all the way. It was such a challenge moving here cos when we moved, we had no house at all! And our furnitures and all are still in the ship. LOL. That was around April 1999, a month after I graduated kindergarten.

Back in Cotabato, business was really good. Meron kaming video games store(all over Cotabato), movie rentals(back when vhs tapes and laser discs were very popular haha) store and an all-in-one bar, restaurant, club, videoke named after my name. LOL. Business was really doing well. Kami yung unang may ganun dun. Hindi pa tapos yung construction, pina-open na. Lots of artists went there like Manilyn Reynes, UMD Dancers, Streetboys, Yano, etc etc etc. I can’t remember though cos I was still young. Nung in-open yun, sobrang dami raw ng tao. Naubusan pa ng food and beer. LOL. Tapos may mga G.R.O. pa daw, hahahaha! And they held contests there like dance contests, costume contest every Halloween and all that. Pinauso din dun yung Ladies Night which is every Wednesday, Ballroom night, and etcetera. Yung restaurant, sobrang okay yung food. I remember nakaakyat pa ako sa kitchen. Yung videoke, may 5 private videoke rooms and a big videoke room outside it. The 5 videoke rooms were all named after our Zodiac Signs: Aquarius, Capricorn, Gemini, Taurus, and Libra. Lahat yun nasa isang building. It’s a big lot cos from what I remember, it’s only one floor. Tumugtog din dun mga kuya ko. Then dad told us na nabilib yung manager ng isang band na nakasabay nila kuya and sinabi niya, “Grabe, malayo mararating nito.” Tapos masayang-masaya sila after kasi may sweldo sila, 50 pesos! Pero mind you, malaki na yun nung time na yun.

Though business was really good, my parents had been receiving death threats even before the bar was opened. Three all in all. Two before the bar was opened, and another one when it was already opened.. I guess. Basta tatlo. They didn’t mind it. Hindi sila nagbigay ng kung anong money kahit na pinagbantaan na ng kidnap and all those shits. 50k ang hinihingi nun. To think, malaki na yung ganung amount dati dba? The military said na wag magbigay. Yeah, we had military escorts. I was like, whoa! “Parang secret service, haha.”. They showed the first two letter threats to the military and so ayun. Kinekwento ng mom ko na looking back, parang nakakahiya daw na may sumusunod sa’yo na military kahit san magpunta. Kahit mag-grocery lang or what. Hindi ko matandaan yun, seriously. Of course, bata pa ako.

Dun pa nabaril yung asawa nung auntie ko, kapatid ng mom ko. He was just outside then a drive-by happened. I still remember that! I was in the hallway, just near outside, talking to my brother and mom. Then we heard the gun shots. Then bam! Ayun. Grabe yun. Dun na kami natulog. Sa videoke lounge. To think that all of us were there! My cousins, my brothers, everyone. Grabe yun.

I don’t know when the third death threat came, before or after the incident, but it involves us, the children. Sabi dun, alam kung saan kami nag-aaral and all that. E natakot na si mommy, so sinabi niya kay dad na umalis na kami dun. E sakto, okay ang band nila kuya, may album tapos sakto pinapapunta sila dito sa Manila. So ayun, we’ve been here ever since. Hindi kami bumalik dun for like I don’t know how many years. Mga year 2005 yata nung bumalik kami.

But even though, those were the good times. Mga Christmas Party ng clan nun, hindi ko naabutan talaga. Tapos yung bawat branch ng movie rental and video games shop namin may presentation. That was fun. I can still remember that. Sumayaw kami nun e. Kaming magpipinsan, younger ones. I was like 3 or 4 that time. Haha!

But hands down to my parents that they were able to handle all that. Nung lumipat kami dito, dala-dala nila aside from us, their children, are my four cousins(included din sa band) and my uncle, my mom’s youngest brother. Alala ko nagpupunta kami ng ABS-CBN nun at kung saan-saan. Mall tours, bars and all. Those days when bars were really really popular. So bata pa lang ako, mahilig na ako magpuyat. Haha. Naalala ko dun sila sa Art’s Venue sa Taft tumutugtog dati. Karamihan ng big bands that time, andun. And they were the youngest of all. Sobrang hanga ako sa mga kuya ko e. They have the talent. They have the gadgets every band would want to have. And with just one incident and should I say, person, BAM! Nasira lahat. Banda, pati na rin pagsasamahan ng fam, ALMOST. At least hindi totally. But we can’t do anything about that anymore. Those were the past. It was just fun reliving all those. And I bet we learned a lot from that, all of us.

Thank God, walang nangyaring kahit ano sa ‘min.
–

BTW. Do you know about the Biggest Online Dance Battle in YouTube? Holymoleeyyy, ACDC(Adam/Chu Dance Crew) PWNED Miley&Mandy BIGTIME. WTFWTF ACDC’s awesomeee! They got JABBAWOCKEEZZZ!!! And Brianna Evigan, Rob Hoffman, LL, Amanda Bynes, Britanny Snow, Chris Scott, Chris Brown babyyyy! WTH. Though M&M got Channing Tatum, Crumbs, and other good dancers, FO SHOOO M&M GOT PWNED! ) If you don’t know what this is, watch this. BUT FIRST, watch the video that started it all. And the video response which got 3 million views. WATCH. THE BIGGEST ONLINE DANCE BATTLE IN YOUTUBE HISTORY. They’ll rock your socks man! Haha. Can’t wait what M&M Cru will come up with.

A blessed day.

Last April 23, we celebrated my Dad’s birthday in our new house. Along with that is the House Blessing. So at around 10-11am, the priest arrived and after the house blessing, he ate with us. Mahaba-haba nga ang sermon niya. Haha. But it was really really nice. It was nice to bond with my family like that. The priest also told us about the Philippines, why our country is like this, etc etc, and how there is still hope for our country to rise up. Everything that’s happening in our country now are just challenges. It’s up to us how we’re going to conquer all those challenges. The government is the one that leads, guides and controls our country, but it is really us, the people, who will make our country a better place. And how are we going to do that? Go back to where everything started, family. The family is the first school, first church, first everything. That’s why family matters a lot. I have learned a lot from just one day, one day. And I love it.

Later on in the afternoon, our pastor friend from Cornerstone Christian Church dropped by to give the cake to my dad and he prayed us over. It was really touching. My dad cried. So as my brother, Kuya Carlos. I was nearly in tears, and so as my mom. I never felt God more than that day. I felt really blessed. Who could ever thought that that day would be that blessed? First birthday on our new home, I can feel God’s presence more than ever. Pastor Fred said that “your greatest wealth is the relationship with your family.” True enough. I cannot ever forget that line. He also said that no matter how many challenges had come into our lives and how many things there were that’s lost and left behind, God will give us even more than what we lost. Proverbs 24:16 says, “a righteous man falls seven times, and rises again”/”No matter how often honest people fall, they always get up again; but disaster destroys the wicked.” I know how much things aren’t the same as they were before and how many mistakes have been made in the past, but we’re almost getting to the way it has been before, only that we’re coming up as better people for the betterment of everyone, especially our family. Family is priceless.

That day, I was being sad because of something or rather someone. But after everything that has happened during that day, I had no reason to be sad at all. Because I am very blessed. I am very grateful and thankful that I am with my family. And they’re there for me, we will always have each other. And that friend I was being sad about, will also have my back, no matter what.

Well, some of the people who reads my blog knows who that person is.

You know this past few days, I’ve been… I don’t, I can’t explain how I’m feeling really. I just know that I miss someone. Period. And it’s just that no matter how much you do things, how much you occupy yourself doing a LOT of things, in the end, the pain just comes back again. The feeling and the thinking is still there. And it really sucks. Sometimes I wish I could just sleep forever. Well no, not really, but it’s in sleep that I’m peaceful and have nothing to think about. Maybe this will pass, just maybe. Maybe because it’s summer and school’s not on the way and yeah. Sigh. Why am I feeling pain? Why am I being sad? Well it’s just because reality keeps slapping me in my face. Yes yes, it does. But what can I do? It’s reality, I need to deal with it.

See, last night I turned off the PC earlier than what I used to, but I can’t sleep and I don’t want to yet. So I went to my brother’s room. Nakipagkulitan. Kumain. Nag-exercise. Palakad-lakad, pabalik-balik. Then my brother asked me, “Cha? Musta?” and how the usual me would say, “Okay lang.” Then tries to look okay. I just wanted to take that feeling away, and I can’t explain WHAT feeling that is. I played the guitar, asked my brother what song is easy to play, he told me the chords of Always Be My Baby and there, I played it. Turned on my pc again, played it over and over. Searched for the chords of Realize by Colbie Callait, Say it again by Marie Digby and all that. My fingers hurt. But it was fine. As long as I don’t feel that feeling. But after everything, it’s just didn’t work. It’s still there. So I went to sleep at 4am. Again.

I just hate how I’m always like that. Whenever I feel something that would make me ultimately happy, I always hold it back. I always hold it back. And what does it get me? It pains me. I’m always scared to get hurt. I’m always scared to be happy. Cos every time I’m happy, I always think that there will be something that will make me sad. Gah, I don’t know. I just.. blah.

Anyway, on the lighter side(lolz), I kept thinking about this conversation I had with my brother’s ex. She asked me what will I do after I graduate, then I said, “job?” She said, “further studies?” Yes, I want to. But you know how life is hard nowadays. I want to go study in another art school outside the country to get a second degree or masters or whatever you call that. I just love education. I love to learn. But she said, that she thinks I can do it. And she will continue to believe in me. She’s going to the U.S. later this year to I think, study again. She’s in Singapore right now, studying as an Economics major. How cool is that? She said she’ll help me get financial support when I really want to and I’m serious about it. And last night, I searched for the top art schools in the U.S. and I looked into The Art Institute of California and the Academy of Art University. Those are both in California, Los Angeles and California respectively. But after much surfing in both websites, I decided that I want to go to the Academy of Art University! LOLZ. But what the hell, can I ever do that? I was so overwhelmed last night when I saw all that. I don’t know though. It’s not a crime to dream, is it? Dream on, Cha. Dream on.

Anyway, that’s about it. Thanks for everyone who commented on my layout and previous blog post! Much loves.

An-April-19-blog-post

IT’S OFFICIALLY VACATION TIME FOR ME!

Been a long long time since I went online. For almost like a month I think? So I have here a little run through of what’s happened in my life for the past month:

1. We moved in to our new house in Fairview. It may be far from my school, but heck, who cares? I’m gonna make sure my sacrifices will be all worth it. Glad I’m not moving in to a new school!

2. Since we moved in to our new house, we have had delicious foods! ) As in, seriously! I have noticed that even before but my dad said it just yesterday. Thank God for the blessings!

3. Since we moved in to our new house, our internet’s bummed so I wasn’t able to go online. SMARTBRO sucks. SMARTBROken. Lol. When our account expires, we’ll surely gonna change our connection. We should.

4. Frosh year is over! Oh yes! I’m not a frosh anymore but a sophomore! Can you believe that? Cliche as it may sound but time flies by really fast. It’s so overwhelming. So many things to do, so little time. But it would help me be responsible in managing with my time, right?

5. I passed all my subjects this term! THANK GOD! I THANK GOD SO MUCH 100x!!! You know, I was worried a hell lot about my grades in two subjects. Business Math was okay until our prof told us our standings before our final exams. I had to get half of my final exam to pass! Our Final exam only had 2 questions, all worth #(forgot) points.

And my World Literature class, well I was so worried about this. In her[my prof] class, I don’t really participate. I wasn’t active. And to top off, I was always late. I knew I had a low midterm grade that I didn’t know. So I really studied for her final exam. It was the last resort I had to prove to her that I deserve a passing grade, at least. I knew I didn’t give my best this term, especially in her class. I had to prove to her that I am so much better than what she thinks. Because I know I am. I just didn’t exert much effort to make her see that, and as well as in my other subjects. I knew I wasn’t in my best form. I guess I had to be in the danger zone first to make me realize how I was and how I did. I should have done my part at the start of the term, but I didn’t. I ultimately learned the hard way.

And because of that, I ultimately promised myself that I will do much much better next time. Better than what I had been, better than what I am. I hope I will be able to do that, and not just eat my words at the end of the term, again asking God for another chance to make things right. No, I hope not. God might not give me another chance to do so because I knew I had the chance already and didn’t use it well.

6. GRADES GRADES GRADES.
COMSK2x – 3.0 Our Project Plan proposal presentation went really well and I worked hard on my video resume.
PETWODA – 3.0 Heck, why the hell my grade is 3.0? It’s the only P.E. class yet that I wasn’t able to get a 4.0! To think it was Dance! WTF? I wasn’t able to get it myself so I wasn’t able to question her about it. Anyway, it’s fine. Well, no it isn’t. I believe I deserve more than a 3.0, maybe a 3.5 will do. But I don’t know.
PHILOMA – 2.5 Well I guess I deserve this grade. Hooray for one PHILOMA prof for the cheats! I guess everyone knew the answers for the matching type and true or false(alternate answers).
RECONSE – 3.5 WHOA! I was surprised to know that I got 3.5 for this subject. Not that I don’t deserve it, I just didn’t expect to get this grade. I got 3.0 for the midterms and I managed to get this. How cool was that? )
FILIP13 – 2.5 It’s kinda okay. I got a 3.0 for the midterms and I guess I deserve this one. Maybe I didn’t get a high score in my final exams.
BMAT2x- 2.0! That would be equal to 80-84. Would you believe mehnnn?! I was just praying for a 1.0! A passing grade! But I got a 2.0 instead! How ultimately cool was that man? )
WORLITE- 1.5 Okay, I am happy that I got this grade at least! I got a missed call from my prof and that meant that I need to pass a poster-like work to pull up my grade. I will make an artwork about one story we discussed and how I understood it in class. A catchy by-line is required too, just like what we did in our poster activity in class. I had it printed on A4 and had it laminated. My friends were miss called too. We were really scared. I rushed the poster I did ’cause my prof called at around 12:30-1:00-ish in the morning and I was already asleep then. I woke up at 10:30am! And my phone was bombarded with my friends’ text messages. I called them and they were already at school. So I made the poster for like 2 hours and arrived at school at around 3pm. So yeah, we waited for like an hour because our prof wasn’t there yet. I thought I’m going to be there for only 30 minutes but add an hour on that, so my brothers waited for me at McDo for about 1 and a half hour. Oopsie. ) My prof told me that I passed the final exam and told me that maybe I studied for the exam ) Well I did, really. So yeah. Here’s my work btw.

Again, it’s a vector. The first vector is recycled. The second and third one, well, I got their pictures from my brother’s wedding. LOL. I’ve been addicted to doing vectors lately. I did it for only two hours ’cause I was rushing so it’s not so good.

7. My dad’s birthday is coming up! It’s on Wednesday. It turns out that Ate Lhyn[my cousin's wife] and Ate Gem’s[family friend] daughter is also celebrating their birthday on the same day! So we’re gonna celebrate it here in our new home! That would be really fun! First birthday on our new house. The house blessing will be on that day too. I’m gonna post a lot of pictures if I can take a lot.

8. NEW LAYOUT! How do you like it?

So that’s it.

I missed a lot in the web world and as well as in the blogosphere. I missed reading your blogs! I’m surely going to keep up with everything. Ohyay.

I don’t know what to do.

At last, they told me.

Lilipat kami ng bahay. Mas malayo, sa Fairview na. Malaki raw. Ang mga kwarto namin malaki, lahat may banyo. May terrace, may mapagpapractice-an ng sayaw, at lahat lahat na. Nung nakita raw ng kuya ko, isa lang raw nasabi niya, mansion.

Dun pala sila pumunta kanina, habang ako naghihintay sa Convergy’s para sunduin nila. Galing ako ng TriNoma kanina then my friend dropped me off there. Sabi tumambay muna ako ng Starbucks, pero dahil naisipan kong wag na lang dahil mapapagastos nanaman ako, sa Ministop na lang. Matagal e, kaya naglakad na lang ako pauwi. Tutal kaya ko naman. Akala ko nandun si kuya, pero nalaman kong magkakasama pala silang lahat.

Grabe. Grabe talaga.

Nagsimba kami dahil Palm Sunday. After, we went to Pancake House sa Convergys. There, they told me. At last.

Hindi ko alam bakit hindi nila agad sinabi sa akin. Hindi ko malalaman kung hindi dahil sa kuya ko. Sinabi lang niya na ‘wag ko ipaalam kila Mom na sinabi niya sa ‘kin. Bakit ayaw nilang ipaalam sa akin? Bakit ayaw nilang malaman ko? Even if malalaman ko rin naman in the long run?

Ganun naman lagi eh. It seems like I don’t have any right to know what’s happening? Am I not part of the family? Because, really, everyone knows but me! And you know how much that sucks? It sucks big time. And my dad was saying that I am innocent? Grabe. He doesn’t know that I know then. I may not know everything that’s happening but I am not stupid to not have any clue on what are they doing. They make me look like I’m stupid. I just wanted them to tell me. Everytime I’m there, they’re not talking about it. If I’m not there, they talk a lot. It’s painful. It feels like they don’t want me to grow up. And maybe they thought I would not understand. I will be so disappointed if that will be their reason. I am so disappointed that they think of me that way. Maybe they don’t really know me. Grabe.

Now, that’s fine with me because they already told me. Even if it took so much time before they told me. Okay the house is big. I’ve always dreamt of a house big enough for me. I should be happy and be jumping up and down now. But I’m not.

Lilipat rin daw ako ng school. Sobrang nagulat ako dun. Hindi ko alam kung nagbibiro sila o hindi. Hindi ko alam kung sobrang tuloy o hindi. Pero that trigerred me to just blow up and cry right then and there at Pancake House. But I held it back, I don’t want them to see me cry and I don’t want people to see me cry really hard there. Hindi na lang ako nagsalita. Gusto nila akong lumipat either UP or Ateneo(my bro said this). Mas okay di ba? Pero hindi eh. Tinanong ako ng dad ko kung matataas daw ba ang grades ko. Tapos mag-inquire din daw kami sa UP about transferring. And other stuff like that. Natulala na lang ako. Wala akong masabi. Maiyak-iyak na ako. Alam kong mas okay, pero… hindi talaga e. Walang MMA dun. Gusto ko sa MMA. I don’t want to leave my CSB friends. CSB has been my turf. It’s where I am happy and comfortable with. My friends are superb and I am very lucky to have them in my life. Akala ko okay na lahat when I told them na dun ko gusto mag-aral. Akala ko wala nang mangyayaring ganito. But really, life plays with you when you least expect it.

You know, I never imagined myself to be in CSB and taking up MMA then because it’s far from where I live. But now that I’m there, I don’t want to leave anymore. It’s where I now imagined myself to be in for the next 2 or 3 years. Nung nalaman ko yun, parang lahat ng yun, biglang naglaho. It all shattered into pieces. My dreams, my heart, everything. Every little thing I imagined, every dream I had, every bit of myself was just shattered.

Kung alam ko lang na mangyayari ‘to, edi sana hindi na ako nag-aral dun dba? Edi sana hindi ko na lang pinaglaban ‘to. Sayang naman yung tatlong terms ko. Kung ayaw nila kung nasaan ako, kung ayaw nilang umalis at lumabas ako, kung nahihirapan sila, sabihin nila. Dahil ayoko ring nahihirapan sila dahil sa ‘kin. Kaya ko naman e.

Lahat may paraan.

Sabi ko na nga ba dapat kumuha na lang ako ng scholarship noon. Kung dahil sa tuition, dahil alam kong napakamahal talaga at tri-sem pa, may paraan naman para diyan e. Scholarship. Naging open naman ako sa kanila about dyan, sabi nila okay lang. Okay lang na hindi kumuha, okay lang kung kumuha. Kung dahil sa layo, may paraan pa rin, commute! Hindi nila kelangang araw-araw akong ihatid at sunduin sa school. Kasi kakayanin ko namang mag-commute e. They just won’t let me kaya iniisip ko rin na hindi ko kaya. I was willing to commute. I was willing to do everything just to be in CSB. Tapos ngayon, ganito? Sana hindi ko na lang talaga pinaglaban. Kasi in the first place, I knew na gusto talaga nila na sa UP ako mag-aral. Pero sorry hindi ako nakapasa. Akala ko kakayanin kong iwan ang CSB para sa UP. Pero hindi e.

Dapat maging masaya ako na malaki na ang lilipatan naming bahay. Pero hindi ako masaya. Aanhin ko ang malaking bahay kung hindi naman ako masaya? Mas mahalaga sa akin kung saan ako masaya. Mas mahalaga sa akin ang pangarap ko. Walang ibang nago-offer ng MMA kundi CSB lang. May APC rin naman pero malayo rin yun. Ganun din. Alam kong maraming alternatives, maraming pwedeng gawin. Pero hindi eh, hindi talaga. Kasi MMA ang gusto ko. Fit na fit sa ‘kin yun e. Lahat ng gusto kong gawin nandun. Pwede akong mag-Information Design sa Ateneo, e ano, mas mahal naman ang tuition! Pwede akong mag-CommArts sa UP, pero ayoko ng CommArts. Hindi niyo siguro ako maiintindihan kasi wala kayo sa pwesto ko pero eto nararamdaman ko e.

Hindi ko alam anong gagawin ko. Kasi hindi ko maiwasang isipin na magiging selfish ang dating ko pag ganito, pag sarili ko lang ang iisipin ko. Alam kong nahihirapan sila, pero nahihirapan din ako. Mga kapatid ko ayos lang sa kanila e. Bakit? Kasi graduate na silang lahat! Yung kuya ko, ggraduate na ngayong March. Ako na lang natitira. At lahat naman sila nagwwork sa business namin. Kasi dun nila gusto. Pero may iba akong gusto e, may iba akong pangarap. May iba akong gustong gawin. Hindi ako magaling kumanta o tumugtog ng instrumento, pero mahilig ako sa musika. Hindi ako magaling sa sounds at lighting, pero marunong akong mag-appreciate. Hindi ako katulad nila. I didn’t turn out to what they expect and what they want me to be. Because I have my own mind, own dreams, own thinking. Shouldn’t they be proud that I know what I want and what I want to be? Shouldn’t they be proud that I am capable of deciding for myself?

Sayang e, nandito na ako, aalis pa ako.

So tell me, am I being selfish? If I tell them this, am I being selfish?

A lot of questions are running through my mind. Gusto kong malaman ang mga sagot. Hindi ko alam anong gagawin ko ngayon. Nalulungkot ako. Naguguluhan ako.

Anong dahilan? Bakit nangyayari ‘to ngayon? Bakit nangyayari ‘to? (

Makinig ka.

TAGALOGLISH POST. Maaaring late para ikwento, pero para ‘to sa mga magko-kolehiyo sa darating na school year.

Ang simula ng taon ay nagpapahiwatig na bagong liwanag at bagong buhay para sa karamihan, ngunit para sa mga Senior-slash-graduating students, ito ay kinakatakutan at kakaba-kaba. Ito ang panahon ng paglabas ng mga resulta ng college entrance exams.

Tandang-tanda ko pa ang mga panahong ako ang nasa kalagayan nila. Talaga namang nakakakaba dahil dito nakasalalay ang future mo. Paano na lang kung hindi ako nakapasa sa dream school ko? Sa dream course ko? Paano na lang? Ano na ang gagawin ko? Malamang tinatanong din nila yan sa sarili nila. Dahil ako noong mga panahong iyon, paulit-ulit kong tinatanong yan sa sarili ko at patuloy na ginagambala ang magulong utak ko. Nakakatakot.

Naalala ko nung nakita ko ang Ateneo entrance exam results sa internet, wala dun ang pangalan ko. Nakakalungkot pero tanggap ko. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, “Ayos lang kahit hindi sa Ateneo, basta sa UP makapasa ako.” One dream school down.

Hinintay ko ang resulta ng UP. Kinakabahan pa rin ako. At ayun, dumating na rin ang pinakahihintay na resulta nang lahat: UPCAT results. Nakakalungkot pero hindi pa rin ako pumasa. Hindi ko inaasahan na pumasa ako dun dahil nung tinake ko yung exam na yun, sobrang sumakit ang ulo ko. Hindi ko kinaya ang Math at Science nila. Disappointed ako, syempre. Another dream school down. Wala na yung dalawa kong dream schools.

Halos gumuho ang mundo ko. Kung ako lang sana yung na-disappoint, ayos lang sakin. Pero.. I also let my parents down. Yun talaga yun eh. Yun yung inaalala ko. Paano na lang kung Ateneo at UP lang ang kinuhanan ko ng exam? Buti na lang sinabi kong mag-take ako ng UST.

Ayan, USTET results na. Natatakot ako baka hindi ako pumasa dahil dun sa talent test. Inaamin ko hindi ko ginalingan dun. Kaya ang kinalabasan, Academic Placement ako. Pero ayos lang, at least pasado. Masaya na ko nun.

Umaasa akong papasa ako ng Benilde. Oo, confident akong papasa ako nun. Pero naiisip ko nun, kung sakaling pumasa man ako, hindi rin naman ako dun mag-aaral. Nalulungkot ako dahil dun ko talaga gusto. Kahit malayo. Akala ko wala akong choice. Akala ko sa UST na ako mag-aaral. Akala ko kukuha na ako ng kursong malayong-malayo sa Arts at hindi ko naman gusto. Akala ko malulunod na ang mundo ko sa mga formulas at solutions ng Math at memorizations ng Science at iba pa. Akala ko..

Pero yun pala, nasa akin lang yung sagot. Matagal kong pinag-isipan kung saan ba talaga, kung saan ako magiging masaya, kung saan ako mag-aaral. Pinag-isipan kong mabuti iyon. I weighed everything down. Lahat ng mga views, bagay, rason, paraan, sinasabi ng ibang tao, sinasabi ko, at sinasabi ng puso ko. Mahalaga sa akin kung anong sasabihin ng mga magulang at kapatid ko kung pinili kong sabihin sa kanila na gusto ko mag-aral sa Benilde. Kaya pinag-isipan ko yung kamahalan ng tuition, layo, at lahat na. Ayoko kasing maging burden sa kanila pagdating sa mga ganung bagay. Hindi kasi nila ako pinagcocommute kaya alam kong hatid-sundo pa rin ako at alam kong magiging mahirap.

I prepared myself to everything that can happen. I was willing to do anything just to study in Benilde.

Ayoko kasi nung mag-aaral lang ako dahil kelangan. Mag-aaral ako dito at ito ang pag-aaralan ko dahil iyon ang gusto ng ibang tao para sa akin. Edi sila na lang dapat nag-aral diba? Hindi ako. Ako kasi yung taong gustong may ma-fulfill, lalo na ang pagiging masaya sa buhay. Gusto ko hanapin kung ano ang rason at purpose ko sa mundo. At gusto ko namuhay ako bilang ako. Ako yung taong maraming pangarap at gusto kong abutin lahat ng iyon. Ako yung taong pinag-iisipan ko ang kinabukasan ko, mahilig akong magplano.

Nagpapasalamat ako na may nagbukas ng mata ko at nagbigay sa akin ng lakas ng loob para gumawa ng final decision. Tinanong ko sakanya, “Does the heart ever go wrong in making decisions?” Sabi niya, depende. At kinwento ko ang buong kwento. Sinabi niya, “Don’t make distance a hindrance to your dreams. …3 or 4 years of driving you to and from school won’t hurt them. Tingnan mo ako, ilang beses ako ni-reject ng iba’t ibang universities dyan for Economics, pero hindi ako tumigil. Kaya nasa Singapore ako ngayon. Kahit malayo, pero dahil gusto ko, ayos lang. Proud ako sa’yo dahil alam mo kung anong gusto mo. At sana ipaglaban mo yan. I’m 100% at your back on this.” Hindi talaga yan yung sinabi niya dahil mas mahaba pa diyan yun, pero yan ang natatandaan kong thought.

Proud din ako sa sarili ko dahil alam ko kung anong gusto ko. Hindi lang kung anong gusto ng mga magulang ko at kung ano ang uso ngayon. Proud ako na naipakita kong kaya kong gumawa ng desisyon para sa sarili ko. Proud ako na naipaglaban ko iyon. Sabi ng kuya ko, “Grabe si Cha ‘tol noh, tayo nun basta makapasa at makagraduate okay na. Pero si Cha alam niya talaga gusto niya.” Napa-smile lang ako dun.

Mababaw para sa iba na iniyakan ko ‘tong bagay na ‘to pero mahalaga siya para sa akin.

Iniisip ko kung hindi ko ginawa ito, malamang magiging iba ang buhay ko. Hindi ko makikilala ang mga taong kilala ko ngayon at sobrang nagpapasalamat ako na nakilala ko sila. Sila kasi yung mga taong konting panahon mo pa lang nakakasama pero parang matagal na kayong magkakakilala. Iniisip ko rin kung ganito ako magiging kasaya ngayon kung sa ibang college ako nag-aral. Iniisip ko rin kung nakapasa ako ng UP o Ateneo, ganito rin kaya ang buhay ko? Malamang iba. Ibang-iba.

Kaya masaya ako kung nasaan ako ngayon. Hindi ko talaga pinagsisihan yung ginawa ko at nalaman ko ang sobrang suporta ng family ko sa akin kahit ano pa man ang gusto ko. Akala ko magiging mahirap, pero hindi pala.

Marami akong natutunan sa experience kong ‘yan. Grabe noh? Siguro maliit lang na bagay yan sa iba at parang binabalewala lang nila, pero sa akin, sobrang big deal. Iba-iba nga tayo bilang tao. Lahat tayo iba-iba ang mga pananaw at paninindigan.

Kaya sa mga estudyante dyan na ganito ang nararamdaman kagaya sa akin ngayon, alam ko ang nararamdaman niyo. Trust me, I know. And the heart doesn’t go wrong in making this kind of decision. Follow what your heart tells you, you won’t regret it. I swear. I can attest to that!

It doesn’t matter if your choice is wrong or right for as long as you love what you do and happy and content, it is never wrong for believing in your dreams and wanting to achieve it has never been wrong.

–

These are just some of the quotes that inspired me during these times.

Centuries of wisdom never improved on this advice: listen to your heart.

People are afraid to pursue their most important dreams, because they feel that they don’t deserve them, or that they’ll be unable to achieve them. We, their hearts, become fearful just thinking of loved ones who go away forever, or or moments that could have been good but weren’t or of treasures that might have been found but were forever hidden in the sands. Because, when these things happen, we suffer terribly.

To realize one’s destiny, is a person’s only obligation.

“My heart is afraid that it will suffer,” the boy told the alchemist one night as they looked up at the moonless sky.
“Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search for its dreams, because every second of the search is a second’s encounter with God and with eternity.”

“Wherever your heart is, that is where you’ll find your treasure.”

-The Alchemist

–

I once read that few people follow what their heart says because they are afraid to take the risk and they think that they’d just end up getting hurt. And the heart doesn’t like to suffer, so they choose safer risks. But the fear of suffering is worse than suffering itself. The heart bleeds more when you don’t follow what it says. After I read that I asked, “But will they be happy?” I swore I won’t be like those people, but I think I might end up to be just like them.

I always believe in listening to what my heart says, I guess I always will. But I will never get to follow what it says. I never got to follow what it said, when I had the chance and the choice in my hands.
-me

That was me back when I was a senior highschool, probably just starting to fill up my college application forms. Found that on my old wallpapers folder.

Happy and not.

I still can’t get over this.

Badtrip ako at masaya at the same time.

Bakit?
Let’s start with the happy thought.

Happy because I got to hang out with my high school barkada again! We were together for almost like the whole day it was really fun! I last saw AJ during our high school batch reunion last July; Niki and Francel, 2 months ago; and Jhem, well, we study in the same school but I rarely see her but still at least, I see her. Lol. I last saw her on the first week of third term. Anyway, I can always see her if I want to. But not really hang out and talk a lot.

We ate at Teriyaki Boy for lunch which is around quarter to 2pm. Yeah. Haha. I’m kind of getting used to strolling around the mall alone, I have always done that since I got to college. And I wasn’t really really familiar around TriNoMa so I kind of got lost. Haha. I forgot where National Bookstore was! And they said they’ll just meet me there. And as usual, I was late for like an hour, which I hate. You know, I hate being late because for almost like my whole life, I’ve been always late. And I know how it feels like to be waiting, ALOT.

Then after, we bought movie tickets to P.S. I love you. Then we went to have a studio picture! Hahaha. Hindi halata na di kami mahilig magpicture at magpose. We’re not vain people. ) We have to wait for 20 or 30 minutes to have the picture developed so we decided to have coffee. Starbucks was full, as usual. So we went to Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf instead.

There, we reminisced about high school. Browsed old pictures and some videos we had. Gosh, good times! We were all laughing so hard! We talked about college, where our batchmates went, what courses they are taking up, crushes, relationships, college friends, what have we been up to, our courses, and other stuff. And our day together isn’t complete pag hindi kami nanlalait ng tao. LOL. So mean, right? But that’s how we are. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not like that though. It’s just that when I’m with them, I can’t help it because I gotta admit, sometimes oftentimes, I agree with them. LOL. And syempre, hindi nawawala ang chikahan. Ang aking mga kaibigan ay napaka-updated sa mga bagay-bagay.

It’s those moments that I would always want to treasure. I suggested that every month, we should get together. And they all agreed. Of course who wouldn’t right? Hehe. Just for catching up and hanging out. It’s priceless.

Then we went to get our picture. Hehe. It’s so cute! )

So malapit na kami umuwi and I texted my mom na magpapasundo na ko. But AJ asked us to accompany her to her house because she’s not used to commuting alone. Now that she and her bf broke up, wala nang magddrive sakanya. Haha. E sakto, malapit na kami sa bahay ni AJ, andun na sila Mommy nag-aantay sa binabaan ko nung hinatid nila ako. SHET. I swear, never akong kinabahan ng ganun kanina. I don’t know why. I was so worried. So my mom called me again and asked me where I was and her voice sounded like she was pissed off. Even my brother shouted at me on the phone while he was driving. Sucks. I was so worried that I’ll get caught. Pero diba, wala naman akong ginagawang masama. Hinatid lang namin si AJ. Only that, hindi ako nakapagpaalam. Kaya siguro I was worried.

Francel: I feel you, Cha. Ganyan din ako nun.
Francel: Pero Cha bakit ganun? Diba nung high school lagi kang pinapayagan? Tapos ngayong college parang mahigpit sayo?
Nikita: Ako rin e, kung kelan nag-18 ako saka naging mahigpit.
Cha: Ewan ko nga e. Hindi pa ako kinabahan ng ganito dati. Siguro kasi, hindi nila alam kaya ganun. *******! Shet. *panicking*

I’m glad they all helped me. I was so worried na magsabay yung taxi at sasakyan namin. Thank God, hindi.

Badtrip lang ako kasi pag ako, kaya kong maghintay ng dalawang oras para sa kanila. Kahit umalis na lahat ng tao sa paligid ko, at nadaanan na ako ng 1000+ na sasakyan at mga tao, ayos lang kahit magmukha akong tanga na walang ginagawa at kausap. Pag sila, nagagalit sila kahit mga 30 minutes lang ang pagkalate ko. Hindi ko naman siguro pwedeng ipagcompare talaga kasi mas bata ako kesa sa kanila dba?

Masama lang talaga loob ko pag ganun. Late ka lang, kahit sinasabi nila ng pabiro alam mong may something dun sa sinasabi nila.

Ako pag nalalate ako at sila ang dahilan, hindi ko naman sila masisi. Pag late ako dahil matagal ako, nagagalit sila. Malabo di ba? Bakit ang unfair?

Alam kong mali ipagcompare kasi sobrang iba sila sakin. Pero pag sila iniintindi ko, sana ganun din sila sa akin. Kahit alam kong mas swerte ako compared sa iba dahil hindi nila ako sinisigawan at sinasaktan physically, minsan nasasaktan nila ako emotionally. Kahit little ways lang, pero sensitibo akong tao e, may mga bagay na sobrang naaapektuhan ako kahit maliit lang na bagay.

Yun lang talaga. Madali akong umintindi. Pero sana ganun din sila sakin. Sana kahit papano sa unfair na takbo ng buhay, kahit konti naman maging fair sila. Sobrang masama lang talaga ang loob ko pag ganun. Lagi na kasing nangyayari eh.

Ang nakapagtataka pa, bakit nung high school hindi sila masyadong mahigpit when in fact, dapat dun ka mas mahigpit dba? Pero ngayong college, parang mas mahigpit at nagmamadali sila.

I mean, I can take care of myself. They just won’t let me. I can do things by myself. They just won’t let me. And worse, I feel that they don’t believe in what I can do. I can do whatever I want to do with all limitations. They just won’t let me, with or without limitations. I feel like I am being so babied. Is it because I am the only girl? I am turning 17, gosh! I will be legal the next year! It makes me feel bad that they’re somehow depriving me of feeling the complete real world. They have brought me up really well and I know that I know what is wrong from what is right. They have to let me make mistakes and so I will let them enter my world. I don’t know why it is hard for them to let me go. I don’t know why it is that I feel they don’t want me to grow up yet.

It’s not something they say to me directly, but that’s how I feel. I don’t want to be treated so much as a princess because I’m not. I don’t want to get used to that because I know I can do things but because they won’t allow me, I feel that I can’t do it. Gets?

I always say to my brother that time flies by fast. And he always reply, “Bakit ka ba nagmamadali?” The thing is, I’m not. It’s just the way the reality and life goes. It is fast-paced and you can’t let yourself be left out. You have to move on. Kasi pag napag-iwanan ka nang sobra, mahirap na mag-keep up. Ewan ko, minsan ganun eh. Pero hindi ko naman sinasabi na dapat nagmamadali ka. I’m not. It’s just that you can’t let life pass you by without you living it. Right?

Haay, basta. Masama pa rin ang loob ko kahit sobrang babaw niyan. Pero, ako ‘to eh.

Is it you?

No I’m not referring to someone. I just love this song. It seems like it wrote what I am looking for.

I’m looking for a lover not a friend
Somebody who can be there when I need someone to talk to
I’m looking for someone who won’t pretend
Somebody not afraid to say the way they feel about you

And I’m looking for someone who understands how I feel,
Someone who can keep me real and who knows the way
The way I like to have it my way
And I’m looking for someone who takes me there,
Wants to share, shows he cares
Thinking your the one that I’ve been waiting for

Is it you? is it you?
Maybe you’re the one I’ve been waiting for
Could you be the one for me?
Could you be the one I need?

Is it you? is it you?
Maybe you’re the one I’ve been waiting for
Could you be the one for me? (Could you be?)
Could you be the one I need?

I’m looking for someone to share my pain (Uh)
Someone who I can run to, who would stay with me when it rains
Someone who I can cry with trough the night
Someone who I can trust who’s heart is right
And I’m looking for someone

And I’m looking for someone who understands how I feel,
Someone who can keep me real and who knows the way
The way I like to have it my way
And I’m looking for someone who takes me there,
Want to share, shows he cares
Thinking your the one that I’ve been waiting for

Is it you? is it you?
Maybe you’re the one I’ve been waiting for
Could you be the one for me?
Could you be the one I need?

Take for grant
How much I care (How much I care)
And appreciates that I’m there
Someone who listens
And someone I can call who isn’t afraid of thought to share

-Is it you by Cassie

I also love Whatever it takes by Lifehouse.

[not the whole song]

She said if we’re gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don’t hide the broken parts that I need to see
She said like it or not it’s the way it’s gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me

I know you deserve much better
Remember the time I told you the way that I felt
And that I’d be lost without you and never find myself
Let’s hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over

I’ll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what’s at stake
I know that I’ve let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I’ll keep us together
Whatever it takes

*sigh*
I’ll keep waiting for that someone.
But I have come to make this as my New Year’s Resolution: No time for love.
Hahaha. Would you believe? Oh yeah.
At least for now.

Anyway, it’s not bad to think of your dream person or the one for you, right?
Masaya naman maging single. And I am a proud NBSB¹ kasi medyo konti na lang kami. Nyahaha. At least walang sakit sa ulo. Mga walanghiya. Haha.

But still, I’m a sucker for romantic comedies, love stories and Koreanovelas. My all-time favorite movies are A Walk to Remember, The Notebook, Sassy Girl, and If Only. These movies never fail to make me cry no matter how many times I watch it. She’s the Man never fails to make me laugh really hard and make me feel err, kilig. Hahaha. And Channing Tatum is hot! Damnit. Hahaha. In Koreanovelas, I love Full House, Princess Hours, Spring Waltz, My Girl and The 1st Shop of Coffee Prince. May mga marerecommend pa ba kayong mga ganyang klase na movies at koreanovelas? )

¹ No boyfriend since birth. ;p

Unorganized blah. Me-talk.

I often get frustrated already.

I am frustrated with a lot of things: music, drawing, Photoshop, digital arts, writing, studies, and myself. Yes, I am frustrated with things I love and love to do. I know I should use this frustration as a drive to get better and that I should make the people good at the things I mentioned above as an inspiration. My optimistic self says that I can be better, that I can learn how to be better, that I can do what people good at those things can do; but my pessimistic self(I just knew I have this, I never thought I could have this in me, sad) tells me to give up already, and that I can never be good at those things.

I want to do what my optimistic self tells me to do because it’s what the Cha I know would do. But on the contrary, my body and mind follows what my pessimistic self says.

I hate it. So much drama. Bakit ba kasi ang drama ko? Hay. O baka masyado lang akong nag-iisip?

-

Nowadays, I easily give up. I easily get tired and lazy. I easily get scared of the unknown. I easily get scared of the uncertain. Now that’s not so me. It’s not the Charlene I know. I’m usually game for challenges, for the future, for everything. Now.. it’s different, very.

-

I realize my life is becoming a routine.

Everyday, I wake up, take a bath, eat, go to school, sleep in the car for almost 1hour waiting to reach school, sit in class, listen to my profs, talk to my blockmates, hang-out with them, eat lunch, go to class again, try to listen to my profs, talk to my blockmates while the prof is discussing something, wait for dismissal, wait for sundo, go to office, wait there until 6-8pm, sleep while waiting for us to go home, go home, arrive at home, go to room, open computer, go downstairs, eat dinner, computer/internet, set phone alarm, sleep. Then the next day, I do the same thing over again.

I’m scared that the time will come when I will get tired with my life. I hope not. I don’t want that. Kaya lang, feeling ko malapit na yun dumating. Ayoko man, pero ganun ang nararamdaman ko. Actually, I’m starting to get tired of my life now. I feel guilty saying that thinking of the number of people out there who’s dying to experience a good life just like mine. But it’s what I feel. Sad. Maybe I’m just tired. I thought I already got to recharge myself, but it seems like I’m running out of battery again.

Three weeks left until 2nd term ends. 26 days until Christmas. 33 days until 2008.
I can’t wait for 2nd term to end. I can’t feel that Christmas is approaching. I’m dying for this year to end already.

2007 is a good year for me and for my family. It is. It really is. But I don’t get why I can’t wait for it to end already.

And for 16 years of my existence, I still don’t get myself.

-

If you actually know me, you’ll say I don’t have any worries, that I am a happy and optimistic person because you’ll always see me smiling, laughing or making people . Actually, I am. Or maybe, I was. That’s the Cha I know. Now? I kind of doubt if I really am Cha.

My head hurts and I am blurred as my eyes.

I blame myself that my computer has 329 threats because I didn’t download AVG first.

My post is unorganized and blah. Yes? Oh well, whatever. I can’t think straight.

My head hurts.
My head hurts.

Good night.

-
[edit]
maybe I am just thinking too much. I am so pakeen emotional. The hell. Hmph. I don’t understand myselffffffffffffffffffffff since last night. Gahhhhh. What should I do to make myself feel better? Mygally.

-
Help save the environment.

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