The weak week.

WARNING: Long post ahead. :p

Okay so it’s been almost one week since I updated my blog. WTH I can’t believe it’s already May 1! OHGOSH. May 21 pasok na namin!!! BAH. I should finish the things I need to do and want, as well. :p I need to go to school on days 14-17, whenever during that week for course adjustment. I don’t wanna be underload! Grr. I want to watch DVDs which I haven’t been able to buy yet and read books like Twilight. Yeaaa. I still have like 91 days to read all three books before the last book comes. Hahaha. I saw the movie behind the scenes and some fan-made trailers and it’s all awesome. I’m getting excited though I haven’t read the book yet. I mean, it’s a romantic vampire story, who wouldn’t want that? Everyone is like in love with Edward and Bella. Hahaha. Today’s my brother’s girlfriend birthday and yesterday we bought gifts for her. So I suggested my brother to give her a book. We were supposed to buy the new Nicholas Sparks book since she said she’ll buy it, might as well give her the book. But it wasn’t available in that National Bookstore branch. So we bought another book which is, Twilight. Wah, if I get my pay I’d surely splurge my money on books but still save something for erm, things I need in school later on.

Last week, I was having a hard time. It wasn’t my week last week, I was just really sad. No, actually I wasn’t. I was moody! Sobrang nakakainis kasi sobra yung mood swings. One minute I’m happy, then another I’m sad. I hated it. It got to the point where I cannot feel anything anymore. I cried because of that. I’d rather feel anything, even pain, than not feeling anything at all. I felt dead. But the next day which is Monday, I had this dream. Imma paste this from my Multiply.

I woke up earlier than what I expected, I thought it was already 11 am, but I looked at the clock and it was still quarter to 9am. So I turned on the PC, checked my myspace, friendster, facebook, multiply, mail and blog hopped. I DLed songs and..

My mom, someone else I don’t know who and I were talking and suddenly, I couldn’t speak. I tried so hard to speak but I couldn’t. Tapos na-realize ko may nakabara sa throat ko so tinanggal ko. That was really weird. When I did, I started to bleed. Nagsusuka na ako ng dugo. Then I didn’t know what to do. And my nose also started to bleed. I was helpless. I asked God for help, I prayed really hard. And I was thinking if I should go to the hospital already or what, but I thought it would end soon. But it didn’t. All I can see is red blood. I thought I was dying! I called my friends using my phone and we went to see each other. I texted Jesy, she told me to go to FEU-NRMF then find her there. I said, “it’s too late.”

Then I woke up.

It’s weird cos I rarely experience dreams in my sleep. When I woke up, I can still remember the feeling of not being able to speak. But I thank God that it was all just a dream. I was freaked out! I was really freaked out. It got me thinking through out the day even the meaning of it. I searched for a dream dictionary online since I don’t know where our old dream dictionary is.

Blood

To see blood in your dream, represents life, love, and passion as well as disappointments. If you see the word “blood” written in your dream, then it may refer to some situation in your life that is permanent and cannot be changed.

To dream that you are bleeding or losing blood, signifies that you are suffering from exhaustion or that you are feeling emotionally drained. It may also denote bitter confrontations between you and your friends. Your past actions has come back to haunt you.

Throat

It shows considerable powers of imagination and signifies a successful venture.

Nose

Instinctive knowledge. It reflects great powers of imagination and creativity, but also difficult relations with a partner.

Red

This is an indication of great passion and sensitivity in your emotional relationships.

Help

To dream that you are calling or signaling for help, suggests that you are feeling lost, overwhelmed, and/or inadequate.

Helpless

To dream that you are or feel helpless, suggests that you are experiencing difficulties in confronting a situation or relationship. You feel that you are unable to take charge of yourself.

Silence

To dream that you are silent, indicates an inability to express yourself. You may feel inhibited in voicing your opinion and how you really feel.

So that’s it. Maybe that’s what I’m feeling for the past week that I couldn’t exactly explain what. What my dream meant was actually true in my reality.

So yeah, but I’m better now compared last week. Way way better. Going out helped a lot.

Speaking of going out, mom, dad, my brother and his girlfriend went to a Jap restaurant along Panay Avenue to eat last Tuesday. There, we talked about the past, how we got here, why we went here, and everything back then.

So now I know the real reason why we moved here to Manila from Cotabato.

I was born in Cotabato City but I am in Manila for like 11 years already. Almost half my life so basically, I grew up in Manila. Quezon City, specifically. I was 6 when we moved here. Before, I thought the reason why we moved here is bcos of my brothers who then has a band. They had an album and their song became a hit. So the recording company, which is Polycosmic Records then but Universal Records now, said they should come to Manila already. So we did. And they did TV guestings and all that. I was with them all the way. It was such a challenge moving here cos when we moved, we had no house at all! And our furnitures and all are still in the ship. LOL. That was around April 1999, a month after I graduated kindergarten.

Back in Cotabato, business was really good. Meron kaming video games store(all over Cotabato), movie rentals(back when vhs tapes and laser discs were very popular haha) store and an all-in-one bar, restaurant, club, videoke named after my name. LOL. Business was really doing well. Kami yung unang may ganun dun. Hindi pa tapos yung construction, pina-open na. Lots of artists went there like Manilyn Reynes, UMD Dancers, Streetboys, Yano, etc etc etc. I can’t remember though cos I was still young. Nung in-open yun, sobrang dami raw ng tao. Naubusan pa ng food and beer. LOL. Tapos may mga G.R.O. pa daw, hahahaha! And they held contests there like dance contests, costume contest every Halloween and all that. Pinauso din dun yung Ladies Night which is every Wednesday, Ballroom night, and etcetera. Yung restaurant, sobrang okay yung food. I remember nakaakyat pa ako sa kitchen. Yung videoke, may 5 private videoke rooms and a big videoke room outside it. The 5 videoke rooms were all named after our Zodiac Signs: Aquarius, Capricorn, Gemini, Taurus, and Libra. Lahat yun nasa isang building. It’s a big lot cos from what I remember, it’s only one floor. Tumugtog din dun mga kuya ko. Then dad told us na nabilib yung manager ng isang band na nakasabay nila kuya and sinabi niya, “Grabe, malayo mararating nito.” Tapos masayang-masaya sila after kasi may sweldo sila, 50 pesos! Pero mind you, malaki na yun nung time na yun.

Though business was really good, my parents had been receiving death threats even before the bar was opened. Three all in all. Two before the bar was opened, and another one when it was already opened.. I guess. Basta tatlo. They didn’t mind it. Hindi sila nagbigay ng kung anong money kahit na pinagbantaan na ng kidnap and all those shits. 50k ang hinihingi nun. To think, malaki na yung ganung amount dati dba? The military said na wag magbigay. Yeah, we had military escorts. I was like, whoa! “Parang secret service, haha.”. They showed the first two letter threats to the military and so ayun. Kinekwento ng mom ko na looking back, parang nakakahiya daw na may sumusunod sa’yo na military kahit san magpunta. Kahit mag-grocery lang or what. Hindi ko matandaan yun, seriously. Of course, bata pa ako.

Dun pa nabaril yung asawa nung auntie ko, kapatid ng mom ko. He was just outside then a drive-by happened. I still remember that! I was in the hallway, just near outside, talking to my brother and mom. Then we heard the gun shots. Then bam! Ayun. Grabe yun. Dun na kami natulog. Sa videoke lounge. To think that all of us were there! My cousins, my brothers, everyone. Grabe yun.

I don’t know when the third death threat came, before or after the incident, but it involves us, the children. Sabi dun, alam kung saan kami nag-aaral and all that. E natakot na si mommy, so sinabi niya kay dad na umalis na kami dun. E sakto, okay ang band nila kuya, may album tapos sakto pinapapunta sila dito sa Manila. So ayun, we’ve been here ever since. Hindi kami bumalik dun for like I don’t know how many years. Mga year 2005 yata nung bumalik kami.

But even though, those were the good times. Mga Christmas Party ng clan nun, hindi ko naabutan talaga. Tapos yung bawat branch ng movie rental and video games shop namin may presentation. That was fun. I can still remember that. Sumayaw kami nun e. Kaming magpipinsan, younger ones. I was like 3 or 4 that time. Haha!

But hands down to my parents that they were able to handle all that. Nung lumipat kami dito, dala-dala nila aside from us, their children, are my four cousins(included din sa band) and my uncle, my mom’s youngest brother. Alala ko nagpupunta kami ng ABS-CBN nun at kung saan-saan. Mall tours, bars and all. Those days when bars were really really popular. So bata pa lang ako, mahilig na ako magpuyat. Haha. Naalala ko dun sila sa Art’s Venue sa Taft tumutugtog dati. Karamihan ng big bands that time, andun. And they were the youngest of all. Sobrang hanga ako sa mga kuya ko e. They have the talent. They have the gadgets every band would want to have. And with just one incident and should I say, person, BAM! Nasira lahat. Banda, pati na rin pagsasamahan ng fam, ALMOST. At least hindi totally. But we can’t do anything about that anymore. Those were the past. It was just fun reliving all those. And I bet we learned a lot from that, all of us.

Thank God, walang nangyaring kahit ano sa ‘min.
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BTW. Do you know about the Biggest Online Dance Battle in YouTube? Holymoleeyyy, ACDC(Adam/Chu Dance Crew) PWNED Miley&Mandy BIGTIME. WTFWTF ACDC’s awesomeee! They got JABBAWOCKEEZZZ!!! And Brianna Evigan, Rob Hoffman, LL, Amanda Bynes, Britanny Snow, Chris Scott, Chris Brown babyyyy! WTH. Though M&M got Channing Tatum, Crumbs, and other good dancers, FO SHOOO M&M GOT PWNED! ) If you don’t know what this is, watch this. BUT FIRST, watch the video that started it all. And the video response which got 3 million views. WATCH. THE BIGGEST ONLINE DANCE BATTLE IN YOUTUBE HISTORY. They’ll rock your socks man! Haha. Can’t wait what M&M Cru will come up with.

A blessed day.

Last April 23, we celebrated my Dad’s birthday in our new house. Along with that is the House Blessing. So at around 10-11am, the priest arrived and after the house blessing, he ate with us. Mahaba-haba nga ang sermon niya. Haha. But it was really really nice. It was nice to bond with my family like that. The priest also told us about the Philippines, why our country is like this, etc etc, and how there is still hope for our country to rise up. Everything that’s happening in our country now are just challenges. It’s up to us how we’re going to conquer all those challenges. The government is the one that leads, guides and controls our country, but it is really us, the people, who will make our country a better place. And how are we going to do that? Go back to where everything started, family. The family is the first school, first church, first everything. That’s why family matters a lot. I have learned a lot from just one day, one day. And I love it.

Later on in the afternoon, our pastor friend from Cornerstone Christian Church dropped by to give the cake to my dad and he prayed us over. It was really touching. My dad cried. So as my brother, Kuya Carlos. I was nearly in tears, and so as my mom. I never felt God more than that day. I felt really blessed. Who could ever thought that that day would be that blessed? First birthday on our new home, I can feel God’s presence more than ever. Pastor Fred said that “your greatest wealth is the relationship with your family.” True enough. I cannot ever forget that line. He also said that no matter how many challenges had come into our lives and how many things there were that’s lost and left behind, God will give us even more than what we lost. Proverbs 24:16 says, “a righteous man falls seven times, and rises again”/”No matter how often honest people fall, they always get up again; but disaster destroys the wicked.” I know how much things aren’t the same as they were before and how many mistakes have been made in the past, but we’re almost getting to the way it has been before, only that we’re coming up as better people for the betterment of everyone, especially our family. Family is priceless.

That day, I was being sad because of something or rather someone. But after everything that has happened during that day, I had no reason to be sad at all. Because I am very blessed. I am very grateful and thankful that I am with my family. And they’re there for me, we will always have each other. And that friend I was being sad about, will also have my back, no matter what.

Well, some of the people who reads my blog knows who that person is.

You know this past few days, I’ve been… I don’t, I can’t explain how I’m feeling really. I just know that I miss someone. Period. And it’s just that no matter how much you do things, how much you occupy yourself doing a LOT of things, in the end, the pain just comes back again. The feeling and the thinking is still there. And it really sucks. Sometimes I wish I could just sleep forever. Well no, not really, but it’s in sleep that I’m peaceful and have nothing to think about. Maybe this will pass, just maybe. Maybe because it’s summer and school’s not on the way and yeah. Sigh. Why am I feeling pain? Why am I being sad? Well it’s just because reality keeps slapping me in my face. Yes yes, it does. But what can I do? It’s reality, I need to deal with it.

See, last night I turned off the PC earlier than what I used to, but I can’t sleep and I don’t want to yet. So I went to my brother’s room. Nakipagkulitan. Kumain. Nag-exercise. Palakad-lakad, pabalik-balik. Then my brother asked me, “Cha? Musta?” and how the usual me would say, “Okay lang.” Then tries to look okay. I just wanted to take that feeling away, and I can’t explain WHAT feeling that is. I played the guitar, asked my brother what song is easy to play, he told me the chords of Always Be My Baby and there, I played it. Turned on my pc again, played it over and over. Searched for the chords of Realize by Colbie Callait, Say it again by Marie Digby and all that. My fingers hurt. But it was fine. As long as I don’t feel that feeling. But after everything, it’s just didn’t work. It’s still there. So I went to sleep at 4am. Again.

I just hate how I’m always like that. Whenever I feel something that would make me ultimately happy, I always hold it back. I always hold it back. And what does it get me? It pains me. I’m always scared to get hurt. I’m always scared to be happy. Cos every time I’m happy, I always think that there will be something that will make me sad. Gah, I don’t know. I just.. blah.

Anyway, on the lighter side(lolz), I kept thinking about this conversation I had with my brother’s ex. She asked me what will I do after I graduate, then I said, “job?” She said, “further studies?” Yes, I want to. But you know how life is hard nowadays. I want to go study in another art school outside the country to get a second degree or masters or whatever you call that. I just love education. I love to learn. But she said, that she thinks I can do it. And she will continue to believe in me. She’s going to the U.S. later this year to I think, study again. She’s in Singapore right now, studying as an Economics major. How cool is that? She said she’ll help me get financial support when I really want to and I’m serious about it. And last night, I searched for the top art schools in the U.S. and I looked into The Art Institute of California and the Academy of Art University. Those are both in California, Los Angeles and California respectively. But after much surfing in both websites, I decided that I want to go to the Academy of Art University! LOLZ. But what the hell, can I ever do that? I was so overwhelmed last night when I saw all that. I don’t know though. It’s not a crime to dream, is it? Dream on, Cha. Dream on.

Anyway, that’s about it. Thanks for everyone who commented on my layout and previous blog post! Much loves.

I had a dream.

After such a long time of not dreaming.. i had a dream. I thought it was real at first. Haha. But when I woke up I realized, hindi pala. )

It was kind of weird. But it’s really funnyyyyyyy for me ) Sa lahat ba naman ng mapapanaginipan ko, yun pa? Salamat sa’yo, nanaginip ako ulit. Haha.

Float like a coke float, sprite float and whatever float. Whatever floats your boat!
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Okay so now im hungry.

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lagot, wala naman siguro nakakabasa pa neto ulit dba. ) HAHA. not in my multiply. im going to erase the link. haha.
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This blog entry is edited due to decisions that I will make my blog publicly announced to everyone I know. :p I’ll put my blog link back in my multiply.